Personal Development
Why What We "Should" Do Holds Us Back | Amy Wong | TEDxStanford
Added by: Priya Menon
What You'll Learn
- Identify how 'should' statements contribute to negative emotions and limit your potential.
- Apply the 'want vs. should' framework to make choices that align with your authentic desires.
- Implement a practical method for pivoting from resistance to a vision-oriented approach to unlock creativity and improve well-being.
Video Breakdown
Amy Wong discusses how the word 'should' can hold us back from achieving true happiness and fulfillment. She introduces a framework for pivoting from 'should' to 'want' to unlock creativity, reduce resistance, and align with our true desires, leading to a more fulfilling life.
Key Topics
the 'Should' Trap
Resistance to Reality
Emotional Scale
Want vs. Should
Broaden and Build Theory
Pivoting to 'Want'
Video Index
The 'Should' Trap and Its Consequences
This module introduces Amy's personal story and the realization that following the 'should' formula ...
This module introduces Amy's personal story and the realization that following the 'should' formula led to unhappiness and a disconnect from her true desires. It highlights the irony of pursuing success and happiness while feeling empty.
The Illusion of Success
0:12 - 1:23
Amy describes her seemingly perfect life and the emptiness she felt despite achieving societal milestones.
Successful Life
Ticking Boxes
Unspoken Formula
The Price of 'Should'
1:23 - 2:32
This chapter explores the negative side effects of pursuing a life based on 'shoulds,' including mental health challenges.
Junior Overachiever
Severe Eating Disorder
Crippled with Fear
The Wake-Up Call
2:32 - 2:58
Amy's maternity leave forces her to question her life choices and consider what she truly wants.
Maternity Leave
Questioning Approach
What Do You Want
Identifying and Understanding Resistance
This module explains the concept of resistance to reality and how it leads to negative emotions. It ...
This module explains the concept of resistance to reality and how it leads to negative emotions. It introduces the emotional scale and illustrates how 'should' statements contribute to this resistance.
Resistance to Reality
4:36 - 5:24
Explains how resisting what is, leads to negative emotions and how accepting reality leads to positive or neutral feelings.
Vertical Scale
Positive Feeling
Negative Feeling
The Bandwidth Issue
5:24 - 6:12
Illustrates how resistance consumes mental resources and hinders performance, using the water bottle analogy.
Maternity Leave
Resistance
Bandwidth Issue
The Cognitive Distortion of 'Should'
This module delves into the cognitive distortion of 'should' statements and their impact on our perc...
This module delves into the cognitive distortion of 'should' statements and their impact on our perception and well-being. It explores the idea that 'should' implies an external standard that may not exist.
Deconstructing Negative Emotions
7:33 - 8:10
Explores how negative emotions are often predicated on 'should' statements.
Negative Emotions
Should Statement
Confused
The Illusion of the 'Should' Standard
8:10 - 9:48
Examines whether an external 'should' standard truly exists and how it affects our lives.
Cognitive Distortion
Irrational
Biased Thought Patterns
Pivoting from 'Should' to 'Want'
This module introduces the core concept of pivoting from focusing on what we 'should' do to focusing...
This module introduces the core concept of pivoting from focusing on what we 'should' do to focusing on what we 'want' to do. It explains how this shift can unlock creativity and improve well-being.
The 'Want' vs. 'Should' Axis
9:48 - 10:50
Illustrates how 'should' focuses on pushing away unwanted things, while 'want' focuses on attracting desired outcomes.
Emotional Scale
Love
Joy
The Hidden Cost of 'Should'
10:50 - 12:18
Explores the negative consequences of focusing on 'should' statements, such as tight jeans and rejection.
I Should Go to the Gym
Health and Endurance
Negative Consequences
Unlocking Creativity with 'Want'
12:18 - 13:19
Explains how focusing on 'want' broadens our perspective and unlocks creative potential.
Creativity
Productivity
Broaden and Build Theory
Practical Application and Transformation
This module provides practical steps for implementing the 'should' to 'want' pivot in daily life. It...
This module provides practical steps for implementing the 'should' to 'want' pivot in daily life. It shares Amy's personal transformation and encourages viewers to embrace this approach for a more fulfilling life.
Implementing the Pivot
13:19 - 14:13
Provides a step-by-step guide for shifting from 'should' to 'want' in everyday situations.
I Should Go to the Gym
I Want to Feel Good
Friendship
Amy's Personal Transformation
14:13 - 16:27
Shares Amy's personal experience of applying the 'should' to 'want' pivot and the positive outcomes it led to.
Should to Want
Graduate Degree
Transpersonal Psychology
Committing to the Pivot
16:27 - 18:54
Offers actionable steps for viewers to commit to the pivot and unlock their own creative resources.
How You Feel
What Am I Resisting
What Do I Want to Feel
Questions This Video Answers
What is the core problem with using the word 'should'?
The word 'should' often implies an external standard that we feel compelled to meet, leading to resistance, negative emotions, and a focus on avoiding unwanted outcomes rather than pursuing desired ones.
How can I practically apply the 'should' to 'want' pivot?
When you catch yourself thinking 'I should...', pause and ask yourself 'What do I actually want?' Then, shift your focus and actions towards fulfilling that desire, which will unlock energy and creativity.
What is the 'broaden and build' theory, and how does it relate to this concept?
The 'broaden and build' theory suggests that positive emotions broaden our thought-action repertoires, allowing for more creative and flexible thinking, while negative emotions narrow our focus. By focusing on what we 'want,' we cultivate positive emotions, enhancing our ability to solve problems and achieve our goals.
Is the goal to eliminate all responsibilities by focusing on 'want'?
No, the goal is not to ignore responsibilities. It's about aligning your actions with your true desires and using your resources effectively to create a reality you genuinely want, rather than being driven by external pressures or perceived obligations.
How does resisting reality affect our emotional state?
Resisting reality, by not wanting, judging, or wishing things were different, leads to negative emotions. The degree of resistance directly correlates with the intensity of negative feelings.
What is a cognitive distortion?
A cognitive distortion is an irrational or biased thought pattern that negatively affects how individuals perceive themselves, others, and the world around them. The word 'should' is considered a cognitive distortion in the field of psychology.
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